Written: 4/11/16
Hello Baby Girl,
I did such a good job keeping a journal when I was pregnant with your brothers, I feel bad that I’m behind with you but I hope to make it up to you. All of my life I only wanted 2 boys before I experienced the joy of pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood but when I did, I knew that I wanted to share these experiences with a daughter. I hope to tell you how strong your body is during pregnancy and teach you how to accept each contraction as they come, to exercise to stay strong and alleviate the inevitable panic of preggers weight gain, and all of the above. I hope that I get to do that with you one day but I’ve also considered that maybe you’ll decide that you’re transgender and the joke will be on me. I’d love you regardless, let’s be clear about that. I hear that as a mom of boys, my relationship with my sons and my grandchildren will depend upon the women that they marry (assuming they both marry women) as they will be the gatekeepers of it all. But with you (I hope) everything will be different.
Aside from that, I hope to listen to you and never dismiss your feelings about things that in the grand scheme of things don’t matter but mean the entire world to your 5 and 15 year old self. I’ve often thought that I was just not ready to have a girl until now, I feel so much pressure as a mother of a girl (albeit positive in many ways). I always wanted to be “done” evolving and reach this Buddha-like enlightenment before I became a mother but I’ve learned that I don’t ever want to be done growing. I really hope to pass a lot of knowledge onto you via my stories of things that I’ve done or wish I’d done differently… at least tell you from a perspective where you will be able to empathize with me and learn from me.
You will learn that I am an all or nothing person, I am either having an intensely deep conversation or laughing at something terribly juvenile and if I’m uncomfortable, something in between. I take my responsibility to you as a mother very seriously, much more than with your brothers. Assuming everyone stays the sex/gender that they were born with, your brothers will never know what it means to grow up a girl, experience feelings of self-consciousness due to the various ideas regarding feminine perfection, navigate the complex world of negative female relationships, nor as a mother, know the extreme demands of functioning on such little sleep and constantly questioning if you’re doing the right thing. I want to teach you all of the best things so that you can avoid every pothole and heartbreak that I have come across but I know that’s impossible. I know that I write like I won’t be around forever but the truth is, I won’t and life offers no guarantees. Above all else, it is so important to me that I make you proud. I have never in my life wanted to make anyone more proud than you, I love you.